Showing posts with label :-). Show all posts
Showing posts with label :-). Show all posts

Dead horse - the classics

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.
  2. Changing riders.
  3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
  5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
  6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
  7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
  9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
  10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
  11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
  12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
  13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Drinking (Bukowksi)

That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. 

If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; 
if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; 
and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen

quote by Charles Bukowski

A good speech - Churchill

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: 
long enough to cover the subject 
and short enough to create interest

Quote by Winston Churchill

Never put off until tomorrow


Never put off until tomorrow 
what you can do the day after tomorrow.


Quote by Mark Twain

Never teach a pig to sing

Never try to teach a pig to sing. 
It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. 

A successful woman

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 


Quote by Lana Turner
 

Vacancy

When a man marries his mistress, he immediately creates a vacancy

quote by James Goldsmith

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5 quotes by Ricky Gervais "The office"

- If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
- If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
- Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
- If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it themselves.
- Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


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Optimist & pessimist

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

quote by Chauncey Mitchell Depew
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Consulting

If you're not part of the solution
there is good money to be made in prolonging the problem

Speed waiting

I took a course in speed waiting.
Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

quote by Steven Wright

Snakebite

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

quote by W.C. Fields

Warren Buffet on statistics and metrics

I don't need to know a lady's weight
to know if she is fat or not

quote by Warren Buffet

Definition of wealth

Wealth:
any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year
than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

quote by H. Mencken

Practice ?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"

quote by George Carlin

Pierced ear

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

quote by Rita Rudner

To beat a computer

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Imports

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

George W. Bush

Love thy neighbor

Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.

Paris' insights

“What’s Walmart, do they sell like wall stuff?”

Paris Hilton